random writings.

workkk this week, then new orleans for a week! i will be burningggg for awhileee lol

AH
about a month till i leave for college
YIPPEEEEE

asdlkfjalskdf

i officially love arizona.

i got pretty tan :)

wishes that some people would just grow up a bit.

thanks

just wishes it was Tuesday already..

bad day..

i really need to stop reading romance books..it just ends up making me depressed lol.

i don't think i've ever been this mad, confused, sad, and extremely low on self esteem all at the same time over one thing. ever.




what am i supposed to do?..just pretend it didn't happen?


i've only cried a little bit, i can't right now because i have to much damn hw..i pray to god i don't cry at school..

soooooo i went on the overnight retreat, and like they said i really cannot explain what happened and have anyone understand unless they were there.

uhm it wasn't so much a god retreat for me, but more of a soul retreat? if that makes sense and a GREAT way for me and someone to get closure on what has happened between us and to get over it, finally. that really is the main reason i liked the retreat so much.

i loved being able to finally open up, i loved talking to people i normally don't have time to talk to. the whole burden part where we put our burdens on the cross was kinda moving. only because i generally keep all of my burdens to myself these days, i don't like putting them on other people anymore..


different topic, i am going to la for the weekend. my family will drop me off at like, noon at ucla and then i have till 11 that night? lol. i don't know if we're going to a restaurant, thats all up to him. but i'm REALLY excitedddd, i haven't seen him in a month and i don't tell people this but i miss him sooo much...it really does hurt sometimes because i rarely even get to talk to him...so not only do i not see him or hold him, i rarely talk to him bc he is so busy...it's sad. and thenn sunday i'm going to disney land with the family, and then hopefully monday i'll have a tour to CSUN :DD and i wanna be able to bring ken to it, i want him to see it and have lunch with us before we leave for home, so we'll see.


uhm i don't really have much else to say...OH, wait today at the soccer game. i don't know what it is about my position but it seems that the other girls that i have to mark are always women on horse steroids, it's ridiculous. at one point she pinned my arm back and pushed and i heard many different cracks, i don't even KNOW what she cracked but it hurt. then she hit me multiple times causing me to fall and tumble, one of them landing on my back/ spine. so all in all i hurt. oh and the ball hit me in the eye, my eye was open :///, and now i have a bruise on my eyelid.

okay wow, this is super long, i'm sorry i wrote so much lol.

i can't believe how long it has been since i have written here. i'll try and update as much as possible since the last time i've been on.

i finally got into the school i've been dying to go to, i may very well go there.

i have finally been with the man i love for a year. the only people besides him that truly can understand how i feel are caitlyn and sienna.

i went to one of my first formal dance without a boy, and i had a great time. i danced the night away and had a great time after. of course the day after i didn't feel too hot :/ i took a 4 hour nap lol.

thats my life in a nutshell i guess lol. i don't have much to say..i'll try to write more often.

tomorrow morning i leave for puerto vallarta...i won't be on obviously lol.

see you guys when i get backk : ))))))))

mk, so i'm gonna kinda copyy you lauren, : ), by going through my junior year. i have learned that some classes you have to teach yourself the material because some teachers do not know HOW to teach, but certainly have brilliant minds. i've learned that even if somethings hurt so so bad, they can be healed, that old friendships CAN be rekindled. that i'm more willing to forgive people than ever. i've learned that i am strong, that i can take a whole lot more shit than i thought, without breaking apart. i've learned that love in itself is one of the most powerful emotions and feelings that i've ever felt, and continues to grow in people i didn't think i could love. i've learned that getting a bottle thrown in your face, hurts yes, but you laugh about it after :)

i've learned that having a spread sheet of colleges you're interested in, complete with qualifications to get in and ratings and majors, helps you be prepared for college. that i am excited, and not really stressing at all about college, which is strange..lol. i've also learned, that i really don't give a flying fuck about what people think of me anymore. it's not worth it. if people cannot accept who i am, who i hang out with, or what i want to be, then thats their problem :)

it's been a good year over all : )

can't wait for the next year...college is so close.

oh and caitlyn. we'll make it, i think we're doing pretty well so far. even just this year. it was a half assed year, but next year. lets promise to work, i'm willing to. and...according to what you wrote in my yearbook, you are too : )

soooooo next week is finals. yay. lol. just one week and we're out for summer.


which for me means two trips, doing college tours and crap, hopefully relaxing at the pool ; ) camp for two weeks, and summer reading : )

also my birthdayyyy is on the 29th...yee? lol. seventeen. sweeeet lol.

i don't really have anything else to sayy.

: )

ok. so i'm going to continue on with my confessions.

-number one. i am scared. not because i think i don't think you love me and that you'll find someone(does scare me a teensy bit, but not really :] ), but because you are leaving. don't get me wrong, i am completely psyched for you, i am. but when you're gone, and i've told you this, or when i'm away from you, i'm kinda a zombie. and i don't want to put that on you...but i feel that i should be honest. your brother will see this in my eyes next year, i'm sure. i may pretend to be happy and laughing, but i assure i won't be. and the other night, with my mom saying you're already gone...it was horrible. that stuck in my mind more than anything. didn't help that when i got upstairs to listen to my ipod, all we are was playing...you say that i'm stronger than i think...i feel that i'm weaker than i think. sure, my confidence sucks because of them...ah this is a stupid rant lol. just please don't forget me. i know you are mine, and you have no idea how happy that makes me. i can't understand why i deserve someone like you, but we'll make it work. we will. :)

-number two. i don't even think you'll read this, but c'mon. is it really necessary to make me feel like shit everytime i do something wrong? to make me feel like pathetic scum that shouldn't waste the oxygen surrounding me? no wonder its so hard for me to take a compliment from my own boyfriend, i have NO self-confidence. what so ever. a 3.5 accumulative gpa can get me into a lower uc. it can. but all you see is potential for the next manager at kmart. really? really?? i understand that my grades are not what they COULD be, but a 3.5, my friends parents would kill for their kids to have that grade point average. please, all i'm asking for is some understanding. i did raise 3 grades. you barely recognized that little fact. please, maybe give me a compliment once in awhile, is that too hard to ask?


 

mk. it's been a long time since i've written in here.

so hawaii was fun. got slight tan, dyed my hair, and got sunburn on the back of my legs from surfing :)

now that i'm back at school, i finished my self portrait. people said it actually looks like me which makes me happy. maybe i can persue a life in the arts? i seem to be doing alright. and i love doing it. i wouldn't mind drawing for my job. it's such a calming thing to do anyways.

hmm so coaching the bowditch team is fun. i get to play with them some, kick their ass lol. confirmation. i don't think the teachers could make it any more boring. i don't know if we can make it more fun by comments or helping? idk.

as for the amazing man, he continues to be amazing. i hate stanford btw, and hopefully he's going to ucla. and for my early bday present, AH, he's getting us claddagh rings. sorta matchy. i'm so excited. for everything thats happened to us. i think it's been about 7 or 8 months that i've been infatuated with him. pretty ridiculous, and thrilling. never have i felt this way. ever. 
THANK YOU, silly boy.

eh nothing else in my life is exciting. i'll check up soon.

there are two things i don't quite understand.

both i am more than willing to accept and embrace, but one i'm confused more on.

i don't know if he still reads this, but he says i did something to him. or did something and didn't want him to find out but he did anyway. i'm not quite so sure what that is. i've racked my brain and i can't come up with a logical explanation. i wish that he would just tell me. he says he doesn't want to talk about it or think about it. yet i do not know what i did in the first place to make him so upset. 
i want to be his friend. i really and truly do. but how am i supposed to just pretend that he doesn't have a grudge behind my back because he won't tell me? 

the other thing is more of a i-don't-understand-because-it's-too-amazing kind of thing lol. i'm just so imersed in this i don't even know where to begin to explain how i feel. it's this exhilarating feeling that i have going through me everytime i'm with him. i don't quite mind that i don't understand everything that is going one because i think that makes it ten times better, more mysterious? lol. electric is one word lol. thanksss.

two things one i understand somewhat, one i have no idea about. 

you are unbelievable. 





on another noteeee
i'm trying out for another team, i don't really know a bunch of them

but hey, sacrifices for what i love.

i may play on the team, i may not.
but i will for sure be helping with the bowditch girls soccer team. 
i'm gonna be coaching for the goalie(s) and maybe some co coaching with darren.
it'll be fun.

at least i'll have some soccer this season. :)

the feelings i get when i'm around you?

you've basically stolen the words from my mouth.
everything you said, applies to you in everyway.

everytime i see that smile, 
i can't help but smile too
knowing that in some way
i put that beautiful smile on your face.

everytime that i'm near you
my hands shake.
my knees tremble
in anticipation to be closer to you.

everytime that i look into those eyes
i get lost.
you say my eye's hold joy
your eyes hold bliss

everytime that i see your face
mine can't help but light up
i just want to reach out and hold you.
and show you how much you mean to me.

everytime i hear your voice
almost instantly
it comforts me, it calms me, 
it  helps me forget all of my insignificant issues.

everytime i think of you
i can't believe everything we've been through
how you've been there for me
time and time again, no matter how hard it was for you.

as long as i have you
standing here beside me
i'm complete.

i think i've had a valentine twice. both were kinda boring and not that exciting. yesterday, i don't even think my words are good enough to fully explain how it felt. 

so first off, my mother has no love life right now. i mean sure she's married to my dad, but they don't do anything romantic. ever. so when i told my mom my idea for my dinner last night she got soooo excited. she went out to buy a picnic basket, the stuffing for a picnic basket, she hid chocolates in the stuffing like a little adventure, she bought plastic champagne glasses with martinelli's, she made us brownies and macaroni salad, she put in whipping cream and strawberries the size of my fist lol. it was amazing. so he picks me up at my house, rose in hand, and we get out of my house before my annoying sister is able to torture us any longer. he turns on his car and barbie girl starts playing, he thought it was hillarious because he calls me his barbie, barbie and ken lol. har har. ;) we stop at subway for our subs, and head to the park. we get out of the car and are walking by some intense asian ping pong at the rec lol. we get to the ampitheatre and set up our little picnic and start in on the sandwiches while we look at the stars and listening to music. i decide to open up the martinelli's. now i knew it was a screw off, but brought a cork screw in case. thank god i did. that cap was not coming off. i had to pry it off the top of the bottle, of course after ken tried and almost cut up his hands lol. we finally got some bubbly lol. we started in on the macaroni, but after our jalapeno and lettuce showering sandwiches, we were full. we were able to have brownies and whip cream. lots of whip cream lol. he had a strawberry later, but most of the date was listening to fun music, cuddling, looking at the stars, and making fun of things. like the couple who jacked our idea, we out sat them too lol. 

i don't think anything can top that night. it was simply magical. to someone other than me and ken, it may seem like a normal date. but it was amazing. i can't say that enough.

thank you thank you thank you ken. h.o.h. :)

so on friday we had the game against kings academy, who is a division lower than us but won their division, and tied 1-1. we didn't play to the full potential that we could have though. saturday pete (our coach) went to the ccs meeting to find out who we are playing on wednesday. we are playing them (kings academy) again. we have to win on wednesday in order to move on to the quarter finals on saturday. i'm guessing that it will be an epic bloodbath, a fight to the end. (i shall be bruised and sore for our date, and i'm sorry lol, blame kings academy) so i will be leaving for the game at one on wednesday, skipping asl class.


thursday shall be one of the most epic nights of my life.

no doubt about it.

so i am sorry core team about ditching, but this is just too amazing to pass up.

:)